This is I strange blog post, one I never thought I would have the confidence to write. I feel, however that for you to know me better this is something you need to know.
Around this time last year (2014) I started to suffer from some pretty serious panic attacks and at first I really didn't know what they were. It was honestly some of the most scary moments of my life. I have always been an anxious person and people around me knew that but I never thought it would become such a massive part of who I am.
It all started when I began to do too much, more than I was capable of. I was studying my second year of A-Levels, learning to drive (which I never completed), just started work in the real world, babysitting regularly and volunteering as a leader at a Brownie girl guides pack. It might not sound like a lot but it left me with hardly anytime to unwind and take time for myself or spend time with my family, this lead me to feel really stressed.
It became so bad that I couldn't go to school because I felt so anxious I thought I was going to be sick. The thought of school petrified me because it meant more hard work that I just didn't have the energy for.
As I became more and more stressed I became the more angry I got with myself for not being able to control the life I thought I loved. This slowly lead me to shut myself away in anytime that I had to myself. This then progressed to depression. I became so ill that I was making myself sick but not on purpose. I even had to spend Christmas day at home on my own instead of going to see my family. This really was a kick up the bum to get some help.
I never spoke about this to anyone, I didn't want medication, I didn't want to go to the doctor by instead I spoke to my old doctor who I now know through work, I trust her and I knew she would be honest with me without being in the uncomfortable GP surgery which puts me on edge anyway. She told me what I thought I knew, I was suffering with anxiety and depression :(
This made me so determined to be get better, I gave up driving I did less babysitting, this gave me time for myself and much needed time with my family, which I treasure now after all that time I wasted.
The road to recovery was long and difficult but I didn't give up, I began to feel less stressed and not so sick all the time, I began to sleep better and I slowly began to feel like myself again. I remember the first time I smiles and laughed and I said to myself 'I don't remember the last time I laughed like that' and it was true I didn't. I have to thank my friends for that! Thanks Sophie xx
I finally felt like the worst of this horrible nightmare was almost over and I can happily say it was. By the time it got to April 2015 I was having far more good days than bad. I met a friend from Instagram for the first time Arabella and I also met my idol Willemijn Verkaik on the same day. Arabella's friendship and Willemijn's music was something I relied on heavily through this tough time. It was honestly the best day ever! This was so special and to have my mum there was also awesome. Also another special mention to Savannah Stevenson (Glinda in Wicked, West End) who was always there to reply to tweets and just uplift me whenever I needed, it was a pleasure to meet her too.
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| Arabella, Willemijn, Me |
This was the happiest I had been in the longest time, and when thinking about it now as I write this I could cry, I cried so much that day of so much happiness and relief it felt like a weight was off of my shoulders. It felt so much more special because I was finally feeling like me and this was one of the first in a long time.
Of course there are still good days and bad days but I can say confidently that there are now very few bad days. One year later and this horrible time if over and I have the best bunch of people around me know and I am so lucky and greatful! without these awesome people, friends, family and people that don't even know me have made life all that much better again.
So this post is just to show that it is possible for good to come from bad and that there is no point in giving up.
If anyone reading this needs anyone to talk to or any advice please let me know because talking really is the best therapy for anxiety and depression I only wish I learnt that sooner.
To show you that this year has been full of good days I will post below some pictures of the memories that I want to treasure from this last year.
Thanks for reading
Love, Luck and Ambition
xxCaryxx
Twitter: https://twitter.com/caryj97
Instagram: https://instagram.com/caryj97/
Here are some pictures :)
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| Me and Savannah Stevenson |
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